Monday, September 7, 2009

Four Days to Go

It's been over a week now since I've blogged. (I still can't get used to that verb.) I had a friend from out-of-state come to visit last week, my daughter started back to school, and a few other distractions kept me from the computer, but I didn't stray too far from the plan here. However, as C-Man wrote in his blog yesterday, the workouts stopped dead. I did take a couple good walks with my houseguest, including the stairclimb from the Seattle waterfront to Pike Place Market. Oh, my aching knees... . I could have done my G-ball routines during the week, but I didn't. Still, except for sharing a piece of "Chocolate Orgasm Cake" at the comedy club Friday night, my friend and I both ate pretty reasonably during her visit. She understands and supports my efforts, having battled some weight issues of her own. It helps to have friends who have also lived through the weight-gain trifecta: marriage, children, and divorce.

And now there are four days left until the 11th. I am both excited and depressed. C-Man mentioned pre-vacation blues in his last blog, though I don't think we're depressed for the same reasons. What I am feeling now is a very familiar disappointment in not having lost more weight before an important event. The next four days will not find me in a smaller size or sporting less cellulite. Sure, I have lost a few pounds and made some real improvement in my overall fitness. But the beach, the swimsuit .... the same ugly story remains. I will not be the sleek, buff, trophy girlfriend I want to be; I will not be prancing around joyfully in my first bikini. Not this trip, anyway.

Nevertheless, I am choosing to be positive. Where normally I would let myself spiral down into a miasma of self-loathing, today I am taking the long view. This process is working. The longer I stay with it, the easier and more natural it will get, and the closer I will get to reaching my goal. There is no other option but to keep going. In the meantime, I can still enjoy this vacation for the special, romantic getaway that it is. It's not as though I'll be turned away at the boarding gate: "I'm sorry, Ma'am, but you're too fat to go to Hawaii. Please try again next year." Overweight or not, I am in a good place. Remember that woman who took six months to lose ten pounds? It will happen if I just stay focused on the goal. Iamnotafailure-Iamnotafailure-Iamnotafailure......

And meanwhile, I know how lucky I am. Yesterday afternoon, C-Man came by for a workout. He also surprised me with a very cool pair of hiking sandals. And they even fit! (I have duck feet - practically no shoe fits.) He enthused about the hikes we're going to take, and how we can play in the surf in these sandals without risking injury on sharp rocks and such. He looked happy and full of anticipation. Then after our workout, we sat down together and he asked about the events of this past week. As I told him what I'd been up to and how things had been going, he listened intently and smiled sweetly at me. I saw love in his face. I almost stopped talking so I could just stare back, returning his gaze. This was not a look of disappointment or disdain. He is not only fully prepared to be seen with me on the beach, he is counting the seconds until we get there, thighs and all! How lovely.

So, yeah! Dance like nobody's watching, right? Heck yes! Hawaii is waiting and life is good.

1 comment:

Corwin8or said...

What lovely thoughts! I'm glad you like the sandals, and you're right: I am practically counting the seconds, and like a soldier going into battle, I am "fully prepared" to be seen on the beach with you! Hee hee.