I FEEL FAT!

Ugh. Is it just me, or does everyone else feel sweaty and gross after a long day of airline travel? Please tell me I'm not the only one.... . It's good to be back, finally.

So the kids and I are home after a pleasant trip back to P-Town. As my last entry indicated, my self-esteem always takes a hit when I hang around my family for any length of time, and this trip was no different. I really tried to relax and be myself, as I "know" that I am loved and accepted. Still, when the whole family is gathered together, catching up, yacking, laughing .... I find myself hanging back, feeling almost invisible at times. When I get a word in edgewise, it's often not even heard, or perhaps not acknowledged. Why? I used to believe that everyone else shines so brightly that my light just can't be seen when I'm around them. They are larger than life; they use up all the oxygen in the room, etc. etc. .... . But I don't know - Do they really use it all up, or do I simply stop breathing? And I can't help but wonder: when (not "if") I am no longer overweight, will I still feel the same way around them? Probably - for reasons to be explained in a future chapter.

So how did I do with the exercise and eating these past five days? Pretty good, I think. I did a lot of swimming, sometimes twice a day. And I'd say the eating was moderate, all things considered. On Saturday evening we celebrated Dad's birthday with a feast of grilled meats and veggies - nothing terribly caloric at all. There was birthday cake though, and yes, I had a piece. Some extra wine flowed that night, too. Still, I had no big moments of regret over the whole stay.

On the other hand, I am not looking or feeling like I've made progress over the past week. My counsellor told me not to weigh myself, right?, so I don't know what's been happening in that regard. One of the hardest things about the trip was putting on my bathing suit. It's the same suit I've worn for the past several years, and it doesn't seem to be fitting me any more loosely. I am painfully aware how I look in it, and I am feeling that familiar disappointment that there won't be enough time between now and Sept. 11 to make any real difference in my appearance. It's times like these when I traditionally give up, telling myself that I just don't have the discipline to make a real change in my body. I'm not giving up. However, I admit feeling more pessimistic today .

Early on at Dad's, I mentioned my weight loss efforts after he asked if we'd want baked potatoes (or whatever) with our dinner. I didn't want to say, "No thanks, I'm on a diet -" because I'm not, right? Instead, I simply said that I am losing weight, and would not be wanting something like that. That piqued his interest.

"Oh, you are?" he asked. "What are you doing?"

I told him that I'd been in a hypnosis program for a couple months. He looked at me, doubtfully. "So, how is that working for you?," he asked with unveiled skepticism. I told him about the 15 pounds, and he looked openly surprised.

"Really? You have? Well. Good!"

Not that I blame him for not noticing my weight loss. In all seriousness, when one has this much to lose, and with me, we're talking somewhere around 85 pounds, 15 doesn't amount to much. Sand off a beach - seriously. So I didn't expect he'd think I looked different. Nobody else said anything to me about it either. My problem is that I'm too easily influenced by what others think, or what I think they think. I've just got to knock that off. Besides, in fairness to my family, they now understand how much I detest the whole subject of weight and dieting, and how resentful I am of the many years I endured their constant comments about the current state of my size. I think they've learned to not say anything about it at all to me. Now it's my turn. It's time to shut off my internal critic. It's also time to hit the sack. I'm on Illinois time, as my dad would say, which means it's 2:30 a.m. More to follow. 'Night, all -